Mark Twain famously said “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

As I get older I’ve become increasingly aware of how younger people respond, or don’t respond, to the age difference between us. That said, I can’t cite any specific incidences when I’ve knowingly experienced discrimination as a result.

Although I’ve never been particularly economically-advantaged (which what comes from a life spent working in the nonprofit sector), I am, officially, an old, white, man, so I may be otherwise advantaged. I haven’t had to look for a job in a long time, and have escaped the sting of being rejected because of my age (which I undoubtedly would be, as my computer and social media skills are woefully inadequate in most job markets).

I recently read a guest column on Next Avenue written by Karen Grassle, who played Caroline Ingalls on the “Little House on the Prairie” TV series that ran from 1974-1983. Her story focused on how younger people she encountered negated her age, meaning it as a compliment.

For example, she received the “young lady” treatment from a clerk at the airport, and in response to her saying to another young woman, “give me a minute, I’m old,” she heard back, “you’re not old.” Ms. Grassle took exception to this, and maintained that age carries value like experience and wisdom which are rarely valued.

My first thought was, “what do you care about how random strangers respond to you?” On further consideration, here’s what I think: in general, women experience ageism differently than men.

While I think this is slowly changing, many women still feel judged (and not just by men) on how they look. For a professional actor, like Ms. Grassle, that judgement is increased exponentially. When your entire livelihood is determined by how you look through the lens of a camera, the stakes are higher.

This reminds me of what’s said about professional athletes — that they “die” twice — the first time, when they have to retire. I imagine it’s similar when actors are no longer considered for roles, and the range of what is available to them, shrinks drastically.

Ms. Grassle chose to respond “in her head” to the slights she experienced, as opposed to expressing them to the people who uttered them. I get that, as she points out that these are folks who thought they were being nice to her. But culture change only comes when we identify and point out these misguided attempts at what some see as polite behavior. (Full disclosure: it’s unlikely that I would have engaged these folks if it was me at whom they directed their comments.)

A number of research studies, i.e., “Stereotype Embodiment” by Becca Levy¹, have shown that positive and negative age stereotypes held by older individuals themselves can have either beneficial or detrimental effects, respectively, on a variety of cognitive and physical outcomes.

As I have aged, my own life as an artist hasn’t suffered in that I get opportunities to direct; and I’m still asked to act in age-appropriate roles. The latter is not an issue for me as I’ve never been a leading man type, so I don’t bemoan the fact that I’ll never play Henry V, Trigorin, or the Gentleman Caller. However, I wouldn’t mind if there were more new plays with roles for older actors that depicted the wide range of what it means to be an older adult. Then if some of these plays get made into movies or TV shows, we might (as long as there are things that explode) see some culture change.

Until then, I’ve chosen to restrict my corrective remarks about aging to people in my life who attribute some deficit to aging, or use age as an excuse, triggering my “self-perpetuating ageism” rant. Believe me. No one wants to hear that. 

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